


you happened

by the_esc_key



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Emma Nolan (The Prom), F/F, I thought Emma's last name was Nolan?, This is gay and I'm not sorry, one of them in is denial, one of them is pining, what could possibly happen?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-09-02 20:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16794568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_esc_key/pseuds/the_esc_key
Summary: a love storyor5 times Emma and Alyssa spoke, and the 1 time they didn't have to





	1. Chapter 1

Just…walk over there.

Why was this so hard for her? Alyssa Greene was the most popular girl in the school, lined up for a high school career of being cheer captain, homecoming queen and salutatorian. She roamed the hallways without fear of judgement by her peers or disappointment by her superiors. But for some reason her feet were frozen to the tiles, peering around the corner of the rapidly emptying hallway. Looking past the students heading to their lockers to a girl Alyssa had never really noticed before today.

Alyssa knew her first name, which was Emma, but that was about it. She didn’t know who her friends were, or where she lived, or what clubs she was in. What Alyssa did know was that Emma was unlike anyone else in their whole school.

It seemed to Alyssa that all of her classmates had two personas, if not more. One for appearances, and one that was real. Some students had more – one for the stage or one for the football team or one for their parents. Alyssa was just as guilty. The person her mother thought she was and the person Alyssa was were completely different. Even Alyssa’s closest friends didn’t fully know the real her. It was hard to open up when everyone was so…fake.

But Emma was different.

Although Alyssa had never spoken to her, when Emma got onto the auditorium stage and began to play at the “Thanksgiving Day Assembly”, it felt so real. And when she started to sing “Imagine,” Alyssa found herself utterly enchanted. And as Emma strummed the last chord, a smattering of half-hearted polite applause broke out. It was not even a quarter of what she deserved. Alyssa wanted to give her a standing ovation; nothing she had ever encountered in this school had ever felt so real. Of course Alyssa didn’t stand up – she had to keep up appearances – and so she decided as she sat there in her plastic seat that she would make sure to talk to Emma afterwards. And congratulate her on being so different. So brave, in front of all those people. For being vulnerable.

And that was why Alyssa found herself in the hallway, for some reason having so much trouble making her feet move where she needed them too. If she didn’t go soon, she wouldn’t have time before cheer practice. And it would be weird to approach her in a completely empty hallway. The thought of the two of them alone in the corridor made Alyssa even more uncomfortable somehow.

Alyssa’s feet began to move, one in front of the other, until she was standing right on the other side of Emma’s open locker door. Before she could come up with something to say, Emma shut it and found herself looking straight at Alyssa. Emma’s mouth was slightly open in surprise, and Alyssa couldn’t decide what she wanted to say. She was too busy realizing how…pretty Emma was.

Not pretty like the other girls in the school. Not ‘I’m-trying-to-be-this-pretty’ pretty. Emma just…was. She wasn’t trying at all. She didn’t have much make-up on, and what she did have on was subtle. Her hair was nothing fancy, just half pulled back so it didn’t get in her way. Hell, even the way she dressed was more practical than anything relating to the realm of fashion. But Alyssa couldn’t help but wonder how she had never noticed her before. 

“Uh, hi?” said Emma, her tone half confusion and half wariness. Alyssa realized she was staring at the poor girl like a lunatic and felt her cheeks warm in embarrassment.

“Oh! Hi! Right. I’m – I’m Alyssa. Greene.” she supplied, holding a hand up to her chest. “That’s me.” She added cheerfully, immediately regretting it. Oh God, what am I doing? she thought in utter defeat.

“I know.” Emma replied with a tentative smile, still unsure of what sort of prank was going on. “I’m Emma. Nolan.” And, after thinking for a half second, she added “That’s me.” 

Alyssa let out a tiny laugh and let it break the tension she had building inside her chest. Since when did making a new friend freak her out so much?

“I just wanted to say, I heard you perform earlier. Well, I guess you knew that. Everyone was there. It was an assembly. Again, you knew that. Anyway.” Alyssa rambled, her gaze falling to where her hands were fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. She glanced up and found Emma’s eyes patiently waiting for her to continue. 

“I just wanted to applaud you. You were good. You were really, really good.” She said earnestly, and in response Emma readjusted her backpack strap and began to shake her head.

“Thank you, but I know it wasn’t that good. I messed up one of the chords in the second verse, and I was a little flat. You don’t have to pretend and say-” Emma said modestly.

“I’m not pretending.” Alyssa cut across her. Emma glanced back up at the girl who had never spoke to her before now and saw she was being completely serious.

“I’m not pretending. I’m so sick of pretending, this whole school is so fake! All of them. That performance…” she said, trailing off to find the words. She glanced over Emma’s shoulder and realized it was just the two of them left in the hallway.

“That performance was real. It was you. And it was…amazing.”

Alyssa had no idea where all of this was coming from, but as she watched Emma’s face light up with a genuine smile she knew she had said the right thing. 

“Oh. Wow. Well, then, thank you. Alyssa.” Emma replied quietly, her eyes locking onto Alyssa’s. The corners of her eyes crinkled as she added “Greene.” and began to laugh.  
Alyssa’s smile grew wider as she saw Emma’s nose wrinkle as she was laughing, and soon Alyssa was too. 

“You are very welcome. Emma. Nolan.” Alyssa said with a flourish and a formal bow.

This made the two of them crack up all over again, and as their laughter echoed down the hallway they both became aware of how alone they were together.

“Right. I uh, well, I have to get to practice.” Alyssa explained, and Emma nodded.

“I should probably get going to. My junk-mobile isn’t gonna drive itself home.” she said with a grin, and Alyssa had that train of thought about how subtly pretty Emma was all over again.

“I’ll…see you around, I guess? Don’t be a stranger.” Alyssa said, and gave Emma a wave goodbye as she walked past her towards the gym. She thought she felt Emma’s eyes on her as she walked away so as she turned the corner Alyssa glanced back. Emma had already turned towards the exit toward the parking lot and Alyssa felt a pang of disappointment. 

She kept on towards practice, but what she didn’t know was that she had just missed Emma’s captivated gaze following her down the hallway.


	2. Chapter 2

Alyssa sighed and held the phone up to ear again hoping her mother would actually answer her phone. She peered out the window at the onslaught of rain currently terrorizing the James Madison parking lot, and assumedly the rest of Heaven. 

“…Hello?” she heard her mother’s voice crackle over the speaker. Finally!

“Hey mom, you still coming to pick me up today? Practice got out a half hour ago and-“

“Honey you know I had the open house this afternoon, and I have a handful of very important customers I am helping-“ her mother supplied.

“You said it would be over at 4.” Alyssa replied, and winced as she watched lightning strike the horizon.

“Watch your tone, young lady. It looks like it will go to 6. Maybe 7. Just get a ride home, there’s leftovers in the fridge. Remember, no dessert. I have to go. Bye.” said Mrs. Greene, and just like that her mother hung up.

Alyssa huffed as she shoved her phone into her pocket, turned up her hood, and braced herself to go out into the storm. Everyone had left practice a half hour ago – when it ended – and now she had to walk alone in the rain because her mother was the worst.

She stepped outside, her rain jacket doing next to nothing in the spiraling winds. She stepped around puddles until the dry land was gone and she was left squelching through the water across the lot to the gate. Just as she was about to get off campus, she saw car headlights come from behind her. She turned, and an old pick up truck shuddered to a halt next to the girl.

The passenger door opened to reveal none other than Emma Nolan.

“Get in here!” she said, and Alyssa spoke no argument as she climbed into the cab. She put her sopping backpack at her feet and pulled down her hood.

“Thank you.” Alyssa said. “I felt like I was gonna drown out there.”

“You look like it.” Emma quipped, and Alyssa faked an offended face. “Don’t worry, drowned rat suits you.”

Alyssa giggled as Emma pulled out through the gates, and she looked over at Alyssa with a smile.

“Where to?” Emma asked.

“I live on Perchland Square, off of 4th Avenue.” Alyssa said, and Emma nodded as she indicated for a left turn. “Why were you on campus still?”

“I was in a meeting with the guidance counselor. It was nothing just needed to sort some stuff out. Why were you attempting to swim home?” Emma replied.

“Oh, cheerleading practice. It ended at 4:30, but I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up. I called a few minutes ago to check and she said she couldn’t but by then everyone was already gone. I am so lucky you were still here.” said Alyssa. She faked fainting with her hand on her forehead. “My knight in a shining Ford.”

Emma laughed at that, and Alyssa thought to herself how much she liked making Emma laugh. It made her feel like she won something, and her reward was seeing Emma that happy.

“M’lady.” Emma replied, tipping her imaginary fedora and making Alyssa join her in laughter. 

“Oh god, please not the fedora. Anything but the fedora!” she replied, waving her hands away at the imaginary hat.

“Anything but the fedora?” Emma replied and wiggled her eyebrows at Alyssa, which elicited another giggle from the cheerleader. 

“Emma you are too much!” she said, swatting at the other girl’s arm playfully. Goofing around with Emma just seemed so…natural. It felt easy. She didn’t have to pretend to be perfect or pretend to be conceited, she could just be herself. She found herself gazing at Emma and broke away when they made eye contact. 

“How are you liking our chem class so far?” she asked as Emma stopped at a red light. She still remembered her reaction when Emma transferred to her class a week after their first conversation. She was excited to have a chance to talk to her new friend more, but unfortunately Emma was paired with a partner on the other side of the lab. Now, Alyssa had to work harder at paying attention to Mr. Harrison rather than observing Emma. It was hard not to – during their first meeting, she had wondered why she had never noticed Emma before. Now she was all Alyssa could notice. 

“It’s alright. I mean, chemistry is chemistry. And Mr. Harrison is a decent lecturer – when he’s not regaling us with stories of his youth. And the entertainment is definitely better than my last class.” Emma said, giving Alyssa a pointed look.

Her cheeks warmed up as she remembered a few days ago the incident that caused the whole lab to be evacuated. 

“It was an accident okay!” she defended herself. “And the directions weren’t clear..”

“Alyssa, it was peanut brittle! How do you blow that up?” Emma teased, and Alyssa found herself blushing more. 

“Shut up. It’s not fair, you’re so good at chemistry!” she protested, crossing her arms. “Save some brain for the rest of us.”

Emma played modest again, already protesting the compliment. “Aw shush I’m not that good, I just study. We could…” she started, and seemed to lose her train of thought as she pulled onto Alyssa’s road.

Alyssa’s heart seemed to speed up in anticipation. We? she thought, and wondered why Emma referring to them together made her so anxious.

“…We could what?” she prompted as Emma lapsed into silence.

“Oh! I mean, uh, it was just an idea.” Emma stammered, and Alyssa could see her cheeks coloring slightly even though Emma had visibly turned away to check her side mirror. “But – I mean, if you wanted – we could, study together. Sometime. If you wanted the help.” She offered, looking to Alyssa. She almost looked…hopeful. And Alyssa knew why.

Alyssa had been observing Emma in chemistry, but also whenever she saw her. And she seemed to be alone a lot. In fact, Alyssa wasn’t even sure if she had friends. Alyssa’s “friends” were not people Alyssa would wish upon anyone, especially not Emma, and wished she could make everyone see what she saw in her. Alyssa felt her heart ache slightly as she realized Emma was nervous of rejection, even when asking for something simple like studying together.

“You know what? I would love that.” Alyssa said, smiling at Emma. She watched Emma’s face grow from tentative hope to excitement. 

“Awesome! I mean, cool. Yeah, cool.” Emma said dorkily, and her not-so-smooth cover up made Alyssa giggle. 

“This is me.” Alyssa pointed out the house to Emma, and checked the time. 5:20. “You could come in for a bit if you want. My mom isn’t home. She’s honestly a piece of work, I wouldn’t put you through meeting her.” The thought of the two of them alone in her house made Alyssa’s stomach flip, but despite that she hoped that Emma said yes.

“Thank you but I’m afraid I have to get going. My folks are expecting me home…10 minutes ago.” Emma said, checking the clock on her dash.

“Oh my gosh did I make you late? I’m so sorry!” Alyssa said as Emma pulled into the driveway.

“No, no you’re fine. I promise. You’re worth it.” Emma said, shooting a wink at Alyssa with a playful smile. Alyssa felt her stomach swoop like she was on a rollercoaster. What was THAT? she thought, maintaining a normal exterior.

“Uh, thanks. Right. I need to stop making you late. Thank you so so so much for the ride home. I really owe you one. And as for studying chemistry…” she said, whipping out a sticky note from her bag and a pen. She jotted down her number and handed it to Emma. “Just shoot me a text and we can set it up. Then it’s a date!” she said.

Emma smiled as she took the note from Alyssa, and raised an eyebrow at Alyssa. “A…date?”

Alyssa flushed again and let out a nervous laugh. “Like the phrase…it’s a date! Like a date as in…time and date. Not a study date. I’m gonna stop saying the word date now.” Alyssa was positive her face was bright scarlet.

Emma just smiled knowingly and winked again. “Uh huh…got it.” she teased.

Alyssa sputtered and tried to defend herself again, but then saw Emma was just messing with her.

“Alright I’m gonna go so you’re not late and I don’t embarrass myself more. Thanks for the ride. Again.” Alyssa said reaching out to lay a hand on Emma’s arm. She shot another smile towards her and then she was pulling her hood up against the rain and running inside her house, trying to ignore the fluttery feeling in her chest.

Emma, meanwhile, sat in the driveway smiling at the sticky note Alyssa gave her. She put it in her pocket and drove off, entertaining the idea of them two on a date.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw:// underage drinking
> 
> I also definitely didn't proofread this but I'm busy whoops
> 
> enjoy! kudos and comments always appreciated

As soon as the car pulled onto the street of their destination, Alyssa wanted to go home. She didn’t even remember whose party this was, but her mom was out of town for the weekend and she wasn’t really given a choice by Kaylee or Shelby. Both of them had boys they were talking to, and an unsupervised party was the perfect location to flirt with them. They did not take “no” for an answer.

And so, when Friday night came around Alyssa was coerced into a tight dress, had her face made up (without much input from her) and shuttled over in Kaylee’s car, mentally preparing for a night of fending off advances from increasingly intoxicated teenage boys. 

Most girls in James Madison would kill to be in Alyssa’s shoes and have their pick of every football player. Alyssa, on the other hand, had no interest. She had dated a friend of hers in middle school for a bit, even gone as far as to have kissed him right after the 8th grade formal, but they quickly came to the mutual decision to just be friends. Coming into high school, she barely had time for herself, never mind a boyfriend. 

And as for casually making out or even hooking up with boys at parties, Alyssa had not considered it once. Her kiss in middle school was…alright. He had a lot of deodorant on, and she didn’t like the way his hands felt on her waist. But after discussing first kisses with some girls at a sleepover, she had come to the conclusion that she had been pretty lucky…at least his tongue stayed in his mouth. 

But as ‘alright’ as it was, was it worth having to deal with the gossips the next week at school? Definitely not.

Alyssa was snapped out of her revere as she realized Kaylee had parked and was getting out of the car. She double checked she had her phone and her keys in her hand and followed her friends towards the house. 

“Try to let yourself have fun tonight, okay? You’re always so uptight and stressed out. Live a little! You deserve it.” said Shelby, nudging Alyssa with her arm. Alyssa knew she meant well, but something about the tone rubbed her the wrong way. _I can have fun without dry humping some jock or getting wasted_ , she thought, but just replied with a smile.

“I will!” she promised, and then she was in the door. The reek of beer, body odor and just a hint of weed made Alyssa want to turn around immediately. Kaylee and Shelby were already being greeted by two guys and handed a red solo cup each, and Alyssa managed to cut through the crowd before one of their friends cornered her.

Shelby’s words echoed in her head as Alyssa weaved her way through the mass of bodies moving to some bass boosted remix played over a guitar amp. _I’m not that uptight. I can have fun_ , she thought bitterly. Leading with her pride and not her reason, Alyssa went to the drinks table and decided she would prove to Shelby and everybody else at this dumb party exactly how fun she was. 

She mixed her drink and downed it, trying to ignore the bitter sting in the back of her throat. She had one more, reasoning that the sooner she got it over with the faster the effects would come. It wasn’t until she was halfway through her third that she began to feel it.

Alyssa found herself drifting towards the crowd of dancing students and lost herself in the music and the press of bodies around her. The less she thought about the reality of the situation she was in – inebriated at a house she didn’t know full of people she didn’t like with no idea where her ride was – the more she was enjoying herself.

She felt a pair of hands on her waist and she felt a body press against her intentionally. She glanced over her shoulder to see a lacrosse player she had never really spoke to, and his easy grin indicated he was not sober either.

She felt his warm breath in her ear as he leaned down and spoke to her over the music. “Hey…Alyssa, right? I’m Jackson. Is this okay?” he asked, his speech slightly slurring and his hands squeezing her waist a bit to indicate what he was talking about.

Alyssa looked around and saw the population of students dancing were all paired up, and without thinking she nodded and placed her hands on his. She danced along to the rhythm, unsure of what to do with his body so close to hers. She turned around to face him, placing her hands on his chest, and then moving them up over his shoulders. She felt how muscled and toned he was under his T-shirt. She knew she should want this but found herself indifferent as she moved her arms to loop around his neck. 

The song transitioned from a upbeat dance track to a sensual R&B song, and Jackson’s hands pulled her hips flush to his as they moved together. Alyssa found herself quickly feeling less indifferent and more uncomfortable, but pushed away her unease thinking it was just nerves. As the song continued, his lips found her neck as his hands slid lower down her body, and the lurch in her stomach told her to _Get out of here._

She pushed his chest away from her, and only got a glimpse of his confused expression before she escaped through the crowd, her feet unsteady. She had no sense of direction as she blindly moved through the kitchen. The heat and smell of the party was making her feel sick, and she went to the backdoor. She found a porch that was mostly abandoned, save for the silhouette of person Alyssa was not expecting to find here. 

“Emma?”

The other girl turned around, just as surprised as Alyssa. Alyssa took her in, her inebriated brain having no filter for her thoughts. She was wearing her army green jacket over a plain black T-shirt and jeans. Her hair was down, for once, and Alyssa found her breath taken away. _She looks beautiful_ , Alyssa thought, but the thought was immediately washed away when her mind registered how unsteady she was on her feet.

“Alyssa?”

Alyssa half walked, half stumbled over to Emma and leaned unsteadily on the railing next to her. “Helloooo Emma!!! I didn’t think you would be here. I’m sorry I didn’t invite you yesterday when we were studying. I don’t like parties. I didn’t think you would like parties. Also, boys are gross!” she said confidently. 

Emma looked at her with amusement shining in her eyes and let out a gentle laugh. “Nice to see you, too. That’s…a lot to unpack.” she said.

Alyssa thought it was funny too, so she began to laugh, but before she knew it tears were threatening to spill over and she was…crying?

“Oh…Alyssa, I’m sorry, I didn’t…come here.” Emma said, putting down her glass of water and opening her arms to the cheerleader. Alyssa did not hesitate and fell into the other girl’s embrace, letting herself cry as Emma held her close and told her that everything was going to be okay.

“I just…I don’t feel like I can be me, you know?” she said between sobs. “I don’t like anyone here anymore. I don’t even…even like me sometimes. I like you though, you let me cry on you and, and, and you don’t grab my butt like Jackson.” Emma nodded along thoughtfully, more than a little confused by the last line. However, part of Emma held onto the fact that Alyssa liked her. 

“And you don’t even care that I’m crying on you! You’re not even mad that I got drunk, and I never get drunk! It’s not fun, but at least you’re here. And you smell good and don’t tell me to loosen up and…and to have fun, because I am always having fun with you!” she confessed, wiping her eyes on Emma’s shirt without thinking.

After Alyssa regained her bearings, she sniffled as she pulled away from Emma’s embrace. “Th-thank you.” she said, wiping her nose. She realized she had left mascara on the Emma’s shirt, but before she could say anything Emma reassured her.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, I promise.” Emma said earnestly. Emma was just entrusted with a lot of information by a very drunk Alyssa, but she was focused right now on being here for her friend. Emma kept her arm around the other girl and Alyssa definitely didn’t mind, but the warmth coming from Emma made her realize how cold she was.It wasn’t until Emma was taking off her jacket and draping it around Alyssa’s shoulders that she realized she had spoken her thoughts out loud. Alyssa wrapped herself in it, pressing closer to Emma. 

“Thank you. Now I’m warm and..oh my gosh! It smells like you!” she exclaimed excitedly, unaware that she would remember very little of this conversation the morning after.

“It does.” Emma agreed with a knowing smile. “And, according to you, I smell good, right?” she teased gently, nudging into Alyssa.

“Yes, you do. You smell so good! And you look good, all the time, and it’s so not fair because you’re already so nice and so smart and really funny why do you get to be so pretty too?” Alyssa rambled, and in her drunken state she did not notice how flushed Emma was at her comments.

“Alriiiight, I think it’s time to get you home, huh? Come with me.” Emma said, grasping Alyssa’s arm to lead her to her car. They walked off the porch and around the house to Emma’s car. “How did you get here? Kaylee?” With Alyssa’s nod, she continued on. “Okay, I’ll text her and let her know you’re getting home okay. Actually, I don’t have her number, gimme your phone.”

Alyssa handed Emma her phone and giggled as she felt Emma’s hand with her own. “You’re so soft…” she whispered, like it was a secret only for the two of them, and laced their fingers together as she grasped it in her own.

Emma tried to ignore the swooping in her chest and sent Kaylee a quick text letting her know Alyssa was getting a ride home from her. They got to the car, and Emma helped Alyssa into her seat. Once she was secured, Emma got in and drove her home. In the quiet, Emma glanced over at Alyssa to find her dozing in the passenger seat. I am in way too deep, she thought to herself.

Alyssa came to when Emma was shaking her gently, rousing her from her nap. “Alright, we’re home. Let’s get you in and get you some water, okay?”

Alyssa nodded and got up, and when she made it to the front door she shrugged off Emma’s jacket. “This is for you.” she said, handing it to the other girl. “So is this.” She stepped in and embraced Emma, wrapping her arms around her neck and not minding the way Emma’s arms wrapped around her waist. “Thank you so so so much for tonight. You’re the best.”

Emma smiled and, when released by the other girl, stepped forward to unlock the front door into the Greene’s home. She led the drunk girl into the kitchen and poured her a large glass of water, waiting until the other girl drank all of it before refilling it and letting Alyssa lead the way to her bedroom.

As Emma followed her up the stairs, in Alyssa’s drunk state she became hyper aware that it was only two of them in the house and it was going to be just the two of them _in her bedroom_. But she wasn’t sure why it was such a big deal. 

“This is my room.” she said as she pushed open the door to the bedroom, walking to the bed and kicking off her shoes. Alyssa sat down and immediately shimmied out of her dress, laying back into the soft blankets. Emma pushed away the reaction she had to seeing her friend so undressed, and rummaged in a drawer until she found an oversized T-shirt for the other girl to sleep in. She helped Alyssa put it on and get under the blankets.

“Okay, I’m gonna go now, alright?” Emma said, sitting down on the side of the bed and placing a hand on the other girl’s arm. “Your water’s here, and everything’ll be okay in the morning. Okay?” 

Alyssa nodded, and had a thoughtful look on her face before sitting up to meet Emma. She leaned in and pressed a kiss on the other girl’s cheek. She pulled away, too gone to register the look of surprise and hope on Emma’s face. “Thank you so much. You’re such a bestest friend. Goodnight…” she said as she sank back into the pillows and closed her eyes.

Emma sat there for a moment, completely unsure how to react. Her heart was still beating furiously from the moment when she thought Alyssa was going to kiss her, but the disappointment in her stomach sat heavy. “You’re welcome.” She replied quietly, turning out the light on the way out. The whole drive home she was replaying the feeling of Alyssa’s lips on her cheek and the way she said “bestest friend.”

Emma was so screwed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw:// d slur, mention of suicide, homophobia

Alyssa waited impatiently inside the now abandoned school, pacing along the linoleum tiles near the water fountain. She eyed the locker down the hall with disgust, dreading having to see Emma, hoping if she willed it hard enough the whole situation would just disappear. She thought back to the beginning of the school year, remembering the anxiety she felt to first approach the other girl. 

Now it was different. Now everything was different.

Alyssa perked up as she heard footsteps down the hallway and spun around to see if it was her.

Emma had never looked so defeated. She was walking slowly down the hall, her head hanging low and her feet dragging on the floor. She wasn’t crying – she hadn’t cried all day, in fact, but Alyssa’s heart still ached to see her friend look like this. She looked up and saw Alyssa, and her heart broke all over again to see Emma’s face change from vulnerable to guarded at the sight of her.

“Emma, I-” Alyssa began, completely at a loss of what to say to her.

“No.” Emma said quietly. Stopping a few footsteps away from the other girl, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, steadying herself and Alyssa could see she was on the verge of breaking down. “Please, I can’t talk about it anymore. I just want to be left-” She cut off as she looked over Alyssa’s shoulder to see her locker. Emma let out a choked sound, releasing the deep breath she had taken previously.

Alyssa knew what would be waiting for her when she followed Emma’s gaze. The word ‘DYKE’ spray-painted in yellow, sticking out like a sore thumb against the drab grey lockers and beige walls. It was much worse when Alyssa found it after last period – sticky notes with additional slurs and insults, ranging from ‘get back in the closet’ to ‘I’m praying for your soul’ to ‘kill yourself.’ All of them were balled up in the trashcan in the girl’s bathroom, but as hard as Alyssa scrubbed at the graffitied words she could not get rid of them. The janitor was going to repaint it tonight, but until then Emma still had to get her books before going home. 

She looked back at the other girl and saw her close to tears, and so Alyssa stepped forward and opened her arms. Emma hesitated. Now that she was outed, she was going to have to reconsider every interaction she had day-to-day. But as she looked up, she saw Alyssa’s face held no trace of judgement or ridicule. Emma stepped forward into her embrace.

Emma did not cry audibly, but Alyssa could feel her chest shake with sobs as she held her, just the two of them in the empty hallway. After what could have been seconds or minutes, Emma took a few deep breaths and stepped back from Alyssa’s embrace. She steeled herself and marched over to the locker, not letting her hands shake as she unlocked the latch and slammed it open.

“Why are you still here, anyway?” Emma asked, her voice somewhat hoarse but she was trying to be casual. She leaned her bag against the wall, balancing on her knee, and bent down to retrieve her chemistry textbook. As she did, she pushed her glasses down to wipe at her eyes, and Alyssa pretended to not notice.

“I-” Alyssa started, unsure of how to best respond. She needed to talk to her friend as soon as she heard about what had happened. It made her feel guilty, but she couldn’t risk talking to her in school today and have word getting to her mother about her hanging out with the school’s newly outed lesbian. But after seeing the state of her locker, Alyssa couldn’t let Emma face it alone. It broke her heart to think about Emma facing not only their hateful classmates but an unforgiving world alone.

“I thought you could use a friend.” she settled on, leaning against the open locker door. Emma glanced over, and they held eye contact for a few moments before Emma nodded. “And I don’t have any plans tonight. We could finish the chemistry homework together, and maybe watch a movie? Take your mind off of things.” Alyssa offered optimistically.

Emma cracked a small smile, touched by how hard Alyssa was trying to cheer her up. “That…that sounds great.” she said, closing the locker door and turning to walk down the hallway without looking back. Alyssa walked alongside her down the hallway towards the parking lot. 

“I would offer to go to mine, but my mom is home. She…” Alyssa trailed off, already ashamed of what she was going to say. “She probably already knows. And, like you know, she’s…not the most accepting. I wouldn’t want her to say anything to you.” The thought of her mom hurting Emma’s feelings whatsoever made Alyssa so angry that she didn’t have the words to describe it. “So, how does yours work?”

Emma had nodded along to Alyssa’s words, and it stung a little to know that people like Mrs. Greene could be so cruel to a 16-year-old girl. But at the last question, Emma went pale and felt like she was going to break down all over again.

“Uh, yeah. I mean, kind of? It’s not ‘mine’, so to speak. I’m actually…living with my grandmother for the time being.” she said quietly. She had spoken to her mom over the phone at lunch. She still remembered what she had been told: _Your father has dropped some of your things over to Granny’s. You can stay there until you’re ready to get better. We’ll be praying for you._ “I, uh, found out today.” she finished.

Alyssa felt her heart ache once more. “Oh…oh my god. Even…your parents?” Her eyes filled with tears as she registered what that meant. “Oh…oh, Emma, I’m so sorry.” She reached out and wrapped both of her hands around the other girl’s hand, squeezing it in support. She could come up with nothing else to say to comfort the other girl, so she just kept one of her hands linked with Emma’s.

“Hey, it’s okay. It was bound to happen eventually.” Emma reasoned, her body feeling numb save for Alyssa’s hand in hers. “Plus, Granny is pretty awesome. She makes great cookies. You’ll love her.” she promised. They went out to the parking lot, and gratefully it was empty. Her truck sat there untouched by some miracle. As they made their way to the car, Emma desperately needed the air to be lifted of some tension.

“This is just what the student body needs to see after today.” she quipped, swinging their linked hands back and forth. Emma forced a laugh out, trying to lighten the mood. “Might want to cut down on the hand holding, they might get some ideas. We might hear some rumors.”

Alyssa laughed gently at Emma’s comment, but felt a streak of panic run through her at the thought of her mother finding out about their friendship. At the same time, the idea of the student body thinking they were dating made a warm feeling bloom in her chest. “So what if they did? Maybe it would make things better. The rumors, I mean.” Alyssa specified, realizing it sounded like she wanted to date Emma. “Having someone on your side. Strength in numbers, and all that.”

Emma looked sideways at the other girl to see if she was kidding. She saw the earnest look in Alyssa’s eyes and her stomach dropped. “Oh my God, you’re serious. No, no, unfortunately I think it would just paint a target on your back. Especially for your mother.” she replied, shaking her head. “But thank you for volunteering to be my fake-girlfriend.” They let go of their hands as they got into the truck, and both missed the warmth of the other girl’s touch.

Alyssa admitted that her mom thinking she was dating a girl would not end well at all. “Okay, maybe not me. Someone else. I’m sure there are other, uh, can I say…lesbian? There must be other….lesbians in the area.” she offered as Emma pulled out of the school lot.

Emma let out a small laugh. “Yes, you can say lesbian. It’s not a dirty word. Whatever your pastor might say.” she said. “And I doubt it. Even if there was, our school’s reaction made it pretty clear what this town thinks of gays. Any other LGBT kids will probably be pushed further into the closet by fear.” 

Alyssa considered this for a moment, and then offered a counter. “Or, maybe they will be inspired by you.” Emma glanced over at this in confusion.

“Inspired by what? I didn’t do any of this. It’s not my fault someone found my journal and posted pages of it online.” Emma said. She was such an idiot leaving it behind in her Algebra class. It was mostly doodles and odd song lyrics, maybe a few chord progressions and to-do lists. But there was enough proof in it to be able to out her as gay. 

“Well, yeah. Maybe it was out of your control. But…” Alyssa replied, and paused before continuing. “But you didn’t hide from it. You didn’t deny it. And you came into school today. Everyone thought you would stay home all week and maybe even transfer, but you stood your ground.” she said, picking up momentum as she continued.

“They thought they would win and force you into the closet forever, but you didn’t let them. You came in today anyway and didn’t let their comments get to you. And now you have Principal Hawkins on your side – he’s not gonna let those, excuse me, assholes, get away with the graffiti or anything else they did today.” she said heatedly, and Alyssa found herself shocked at how fired up she was. “They deserve to get expelled for making you feel so unwelcome, for…for being yourself! So, so…yeah. What you did today was brave. It was inspiring. I know I thought it was, and I’m sure other kids thought so, too. LGBT or not.”

Emma was speechless after Alyssa’s rant, and she stayed quiet as they kept driving towards the grandmother’s house. She pulled into the drive and put it in park and turned towards Alyssa, ready to respond. She stopped as she saw Alyssa’s eyes glistening with tears and realized she wasn’t done.

“I’m not brave like you. I...I wish I could stand up to everybody and show them that you’re my friend. Show them this.” she said, grasping Emma’s hand in hers over the gearshift once more. Emma felt her chest swell with feelings that she had been trying to suppress. She realized that now Alyssa knew she was gay, she had to work twice as hard to hide her growing feelings for the straight girl. Ever since the party a couple weeks ago, she had found it near impossible to stop thinking about Alyssa's lips on her cheek. Not to mention their study 'dates' had become an almost regular thing, and Emma had realized her tiny crush on the straight girl had grown out of control. She was brought back to the present by Alyssa sniffling.

“But…but I can’t. And I’m so, so sorry. My so-called ‘friends’ would make my life a living hell. My mother would find out about our friendship and keep me under lock and key. I would never be able to go behind her back to see you, like I’m doing right now. And your friendship is worth so much more than the cost of keeping secrets from her. You’re so much braver than I could ever be.” she finished.

Emma was so moved by Alyssa’s words but couldn’t find an adequate response, so just gave her hand a squeeze.

“You don’t have to apologize. For any of it. And…and, thank you.” she said, and unspoken words moved between them as they held eye contact.

Alyssa cleared her throat and wiped her eyes, taking her hand from Emma’s reluctantly. “Sorry for getting all…gross and teary eyed. Enough sad stuff. I think we have some bond order problems to finish, and then you get to pick the movie.” she said, trying her best to transform her voice into a chipper tone. Emma cracked a smile. 

“Sounds like a plan. Popcorn?” she asked.

“Popcorn.” Alyssa confirmed with a matching smile, and together they went into the house. Emma was right – Alyssa instantly liked Granny Nolan, almost as much as the old woman instantly liked her. 

And if Granny Nolan noticed the doting looks coming from her granddaughter as the two of them worked on their homework, she certainly didn’t say anything. 

But if Granny noticed the adoring glances coming from her granddaughter’s friend…well, she had been around long enough to know if something was meant to be, it would come to be.

She left them to their movie night and their popcorn.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw:// internalised homophobia

“Alright girlies…” said Granny Nolan, pushing the door to Emma’s bedroom. She smiled at the sight of the two girls laughing over something on Emma’s phone, Alyssa leaned over Emma’s desk chair. “Hold on…shouldn’t you be working on something?” she berated.

The two girls looked up and Alyssa stepped away sheepishly, going back to her open notebook and sprawling onto Emma’s bed. She let out a huff as she buried her head in the pillows, which elicited a laugh from Emma and Granny Nolan.

“We’re…trying, Granny.” Emma promised, and the older woman looked between the two of them pointedly. “Alright…alright, I believe you. Somewhat. Try and get work on the project done, there might be some cookies in it for you after. Anyway, I came up to tell you that I’m off to run some errands. I’ll be out for a bit.” she said and went downstairs. The noise of the front door closing indicated that the two girls were left to their own devices. Alone. 

They succeeded in working for about three minutes until Alyssa gave up once more. “I do _not_ want to do this project.” Alyssa groaned, flopping onto her back. 

Emma looked over at her and closed her laptop on the desk with a smirk. “Do you want a…distraction?” she said playfully. Alyssa sat up at this, her legs dangling over the edge of the bed.

“What do you mean?” she asked, somewhat confused, as Emma got up from her desk chair to stand in front of Alyssa. Emma chuckled at this, reaching her hand out to trace from Alyssa’s hand up her arm to her shoulder. She hummed as if deep in thought, and Alyssa found herself transfixed by the feeling of the other girls’ hand. Emma’s forwardness made Alyssa’s heart race, and she sat frozen in front of the other girl.

“Oh, I don’t know…” Emma said, pushing a strand of Alyssa’s hair behind her ear while looking steadfast into Alyssa’s eyes. It was like a magnetic pull – one moment they were staring at each other, their faces a foot apart, and the next Alyssa could feel Emma’s nose brush against hers. “I have some ideas.” Emma continued, her breath warm on Alyssa’s face and her voice nothing more than a whisper. Alyssa closed her eyes in anticipation, thinking her heart was going to burst out of her chest until Emma closed the gap and then they were kissing.

It was tentative and gentle, but it still made Alyssa’s body light up all over. She was surprised to find she wasn’t scared by the kiss – it felt so natural. It hit her _just_ how much she had wanted this to happen, yet somehow she never thought of it right before this moment. How could she have been so oblivious to her own heart? She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she was forgetting to actually kiss back. Emma began to pull away and had an apology at the ready, but Alyssa pulled her back in with a hand on her collar without thinking. Emma was caught off balance, and the momentum pushed Alyssa back onto the bed, Emma on top of her.

Alyssa let out a gasp involuntarily at the sudden contact she hadn’t known she had been craving, and soon enough the kiss wasn’t as tentative as it was before. Alyssa’s hands wound themselves in Emma’s hair as the unspoken tension between the two of them broke. The feeling of Emma’s lips on hers was overwhelming enough, and the way their bodies fit together was enough to make her head spin. Emma’s hands on her waist didn’t make her stomach twist in discomfort – instead she felt a warmth spreading all over her, telling her that she wanted _more_.

“Alyssa…” Emma murmured against her lips, and Alyssa felt her stomach drop with the way Emma’s voice sounded – hoarse and reverent. Emma moved to kiss along her jaw, and Alyssa let out a soft gasp at the new sensation.

“Alyssa…” Emma said louder, and Alyssa made an embarrassing noise in protest as she felt Emma get up and off of her. She tried to reach out to pull the other girl back on top of her but couldn’t seem to reach her.

“Alyssa! Get up!” 

Alyssa shot up in bed, gasping as she tried to calm her pounding heart. She looked around her surroundings in confusion, still lost in the dream. 

“Don’t make me come up and get you out of bed myself!” her mother’s voice echoed up the stairs. 

“I’m – I’m up!” Alyssa called down groggily, falling back into the bed. “Oh…my GOD.” she whispered to herself, the reality of what just happened settling in. She just had a dream about Emma. Where they were kissing. Not kissing, making out. And Alyssa _liked_ it. She _liked_ the feeling of Emma’s lips on hers, she _liked_ the feeling of her hands on her waist, she _liked_ the feeling of her body pressing into Alyssa’s and oh my _god_.

 _It was just a dream. It wasn’t real,_ she thought, trying to calm down. _It probably…doesn’t mean anything._

It wasn’t until two weeks later, after Alyssa had woken up to 8 separate renditions of essentially the same dream, that she had to reconsider. Each dream was slightly different but ended mostly the same way: her waking up to an alarm or her mother, the feeling of Emma’s lips on hers still vivid in her mind. There was one exception: Sunday morning. Alyssa’s sleep wasn’t interrupted by an alarm, and so dream Alyssa-and-Emma had no reason to stop what they were doing. She woke up with her body buzzing like a live-wire, and she ended up having to start her day off with a cold shower just to return to normal. 

Being around Emma had gotten harder and harder since the dreams had started. She couldn’t be in the same room as her friend without being reminded of the repetitive dreams, and Alyssa discovered it was hard to be a good friend when she was constantly thinking about kissing Emma.

Did Alyssa… _like_ Emma? No, Alyssa was straight. It was probably just a girl crush; it was totally normal to be infatuated with a new friend. And it made sense it would be Emma…what was not to like? She was funny, and kind, and so incredibly brilliant. Not to mention she was a talented singer and guitarist. On top of it all, she was gorgeous. It was probably just a girl crush…right? 

Alyssa found herself contemplating this as she lay on Emma’s bed, the two of them working on separate homework assignments. She glanced up at other girl and found herself entranced as Emma’s brows furrowed in concentration. Emma pushed her hair back in frustration, and Alyssa chest tightened uncomfortably as forced herself to look away. _Just a girl crush…right?_

“Hey, Emma?” Alyssa asked, calling the other girl back to reality from her Algebra textbook. She swiveled around, just as willing to take a break from work as Alyssa was. “Can I ask you a question?” Emma’s eyes squinted slightly, cocking her head to the side in a manner than Alyssa found so endearing. 

“Yeah, shoot.” she replied, and Alyssa couldn’t help but bask in the feeling of having Emma’s undivided attention on her. She focused on working up the courage to ask what was on her mind.

“When did you…I mean, uh…I want to word this right.” she said, and Emma grew more curious. “How…how did you, uh, know you were gay?” Alyssa asked, unable to make eye contact as she finished the question. She eventually glanced up to see Emma’s reaction to the query.

Emma’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at the question. After the day she was outed, Alyssa had never really brought up her sexuality. The student body pounced on the opportunity to torment Emma for the first week or so, but eventually they lost interest and Emma became less and less of a direct target. The question caught her pretty off guard, to be honest.  
“Huh…” she said thoughtfully, her mouth pursing as she gave it thought.

“Oh, I…uh, I’m sorry. If it is too personal.” she backtracked, sitting up on the bed to face Emma more fully. “You don’t have to answer.” Alyssa faltered, a feeling of shame and guilt washing over her.

“No, no, it’s okay.” Emma promised. “I’m just thinking, that’s all.” she reassured the other girl, but Alyssa couldn’t shake the feeling of shame and guilt for even discussing this with Emma.

“I…I don’t think I can pinpoint it to a specific event, honestly. I know this is cliché, but…I sort of always knew?” Emma said, and Alyssa nodded along. She tried her best to act like she was only asking out of curiosity, not looking for answers herself.

“I mean, I always felt like I was a little different. I’ve never been a girly-girl…not to say girly-girls can’t be gay, too.” Emma supplied. “That’s just how I always felt. And then when everyone was getting crushes in elementary and middle school, I found myself indifferent.” Alyssa felt her panic rising, because she felt like Emma was describing her. She maintained a neutral expression as much as possible.  


“I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. It wasn’t until I looked online and started talking to other kids like me…I found out what the word gay meant and, it just sort of clicked.” As Emma spoke, Alyssa found herself both relieved and confused. _Well, I’m not gay at least. I know what gay is, and nothing has clicked._ Alyssa thought. _Then what is wrong with me?_

“Everything fell into place. All my really close friends I had when I was younger? I had a crush on…every single one of them.” Emma said with a laugh, and Alyssa smiled. “And, once I opened myself up to the idea of liking women…it made sense.” Emma’s cheeks grew slightly pink as she started the next sentence. “And I…I mean, nevermind…” she trailed off, embarrassed.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be embarrassed.” Alyssa said leaning forward, eager to hear her continue. Emma took a deep breath and continued, finding it difficult to make eye contact with her friend.

“I…found myself…attracted to women.” she stated, and Alyssa found herself blushing too at the implications. “When everyone was drooling over One Direction and Chris Evans, I couldn’t care less. Emma Watson, on the other hand...” she said, and Alyssa started laughing. “What? She’s hot…” Emma defended herself jokingly, her blush deepening. “Anyway, I started finding the girls in my grade attractive, too. Let me tell you, getting changed before PE was not my favorite part of the day.” Oh my god, Alyssa had never even thought of that. _That must have been so rough_ , she thought. “As for one girl in particular, I found myself constantly thinking about my best friend in middle school. It was when I started even _dreaming_ about her I just couldn’t deny it anymore. I liked her. A lot. And that was when I really knew.”

Alyssa couldn’t help but take a sharp intake of breath at this, and Emma glanced up. As much as Alyssa was trying for casual, Emma saw straight through Alyssa’s façade. She saw the face of a girl who was confused and scared but desperate for an answer. She saw someone who was struggling to understand herself, and Emma’s heart ached when she remembered when she was in that position. 

“Why do you ask?” she asked softly, holding eye contact with the other girl. Alyssa’s heart began to race – whether it was from the fear of being found out or the feeling of Emma’s eyes on hers, she wasn’t sure. There was a lot Alyssa wasn’t sure of anymore.

“Oh, what? I, uh,” she started, instantly on the defensive. “I just was…curious.” Realizing the other interpretation of her words, she jumped to specify. “Not curious as in, like, curious. About that. For me.” she said, digging herself a deeper hole. “I was just, uh, curious from a…straight girl’s perspective.” she finished lamely, looking up to confirm that Emma had bought her lie. _Was it a lie? Since when is calling myself straight a lie? Why do I not even know what is true or not?_ she thought, distressed, and Emma could see her confusion play out on her features.

Emma thought for a moment, before getting up and moving towards the bed. Alyssa’s heart rate picked up as she moved closer, her mind instantly jumping to all of her dreams that played out similar to this. Emma sat on the edge of the bed next to her, and Alyssa suddenly became aware of exactly how little space was between their shoulders. She found herself too shy to look at Emma, so afraid of her face revealing what she was trying to hide. 

“Is that all?” Emma asked softly, and something in her tone made Alyssa look up and they made eye contact. Alyssa was overwhelmed by how close they were and how confusing this all was, so she had no response to give to Emma. Instead, she let down her defenses and let Emma see what she was feeling, hoping the other girl would understand.

Emma’s eyes were searching as she waited for the girl to answer, and when Alyssa offered no reply a look of understanding washed over Emma’s features. The mood in the room seemed to shift, Emma becoming similarly aware of how close they were to each other. 

“…Oh.” Emma said lamely, and Alyssa still could say nothing in response. Alyssa’s mind raced with the conflicting realizations of _oh my god I might be gay_ and _oh my god I can’t be gay_ , not to mention she was staring transfixed at the girl who made her question it all. But looking into Emma’s understanding and compassionate eyes, Alyssa’s feelings of uncertainty, shame and confusion seemed to wash away. 

Alyssa’s dream flashed through her mind for an instant, and she subconsciously glanced down at Emma’s lips. She realized where her eyeline had wandered and immediately looked back up to meet Emma’s eyes. Emma’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, and Alyssa began to feel the magnetic pull she experienced in her dream. She inched forward in a trance and Emma did the same, both afraid of moving too fast and breaking the spell put over both of them. Alyssa’s eyes had just fluttered close when her phone rang across the room, pulling both of them out of the trance. 

Alyssa pulled back, blinking as the reality of what she nearly did sank in. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, until she realized the ring tone belonged to her mother. She stood up, and walked over to the phone mechanically, her mind whirling. _Oh my god._

Emma’s heart was pounding as Alyssa had a very short conversation with her mother, ending with the other girl promising “I’m on my way back now.” She hung up and turned to look at the other girl, and Emma was about to say something when Alyssa spoke first.

“I…” she started uncertainly, a hot feeling of guilt sitting low and heavy in her gut. “I’m sorry. I should go.” she said in a choked voice.

Emma watched as Alyssa picked up her open notebook and shoved it into her bag, her heart breaking as she saw how badly she other girl’s hands were shaking.

“Alyssa.” Emma said, trying to get the other girl to look at her. Alyssa pursed her lips and shook her head, not looking at Emma. 

“No, I…” she said, taking in an unsteady breath and blinking back tears. _I am not going to cry in front of Emma._ she promised herself. “I have to go. I’ll…see you around.” she said, and without another glance at Emma she walked quickly across the room.

“Alyssa, wait, I-” Emma began, shut off when Alyssa closed the bedroom door behind her. Emma knew better than to follow the other girl but couldn’t shake the feeling that she had done something wrong. _I shouldn’t have pried, she obviously wasn’t ready to talk about what she was dealing with._ Emma thought.

Alyssa desperately tried to suppress the whirlwind of emotions she had building up in her chest. Shame, guilt, fear and confusion were mixing with the warm feeling she got in her chest when she thought about Emma. On the walk home, she could think of nothing but their conversation and their almost-kiss, yet she found herself loathing the feeling of hope she had experienced as she looked into Emma’s eyes. _Why couldn’t I just be normal?_ she thought bitterly.  


The same thought ran through both of their heads as Emma lay helpless on her bed and Alyssa was wiping tears out of her eyes on the walk home.

_How could I have messed this up?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dunnn...
> 
> don’t forget to leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i know this is about two months late i am so sorry but hey! it's done! finally. only took a car maintenance appointment to give me 3 hours with nothing else to do. hope you enjoy! make sure to kudos and comment if you did

It had been exactly two weeks since the incident at Emma’s house, and Alyssa had been hiding from it all. She had successfully avoided Emma at school, repeatedly pushed the memory of their almost-kiss out of her mind and suppressed the rush of feelings she experienced when she _did_ think about it. None of it was working.

Alyssa had not been able to sleep well since that night. She would lay awake for hours, replaying the conversation over and over in her mind. Searching for answers in Emma’s words, searching for proof she was gay. Or proof she wasn’t. Alyssa didn’t even know anymore.

And when she did sleep, the dreams that plagued her before had come back with a vengeance. The beginning would be the same as before but dream Alyssa-and-Emma would not be separated by Alyssa waking up. Instead, Alyssa got to relive the terror of the two of them being discovered by her mother every night. Every morning she woke up afraid, guilty and alone.

Those feelings didn’t go away as she went to school every morning. She was surrounded once more by her fake classmates, unable to talk to any of them about the inner turmoil that was happening inside of her. She felt alone yet again.

Alyssa turned the corner, just out of last period and heading to her locker to grab a textbook before heading to cheer practice. She found herself moving in auto-pilot, completely lost in her thoughts. Alyssa missed Emma. She missed how _authentic_ she felt in Emma’s company, and how easy it was to joke back and forth. She missed the sound of Emma’s laugh, and the way Emma’s car smelled, and the feeling Alyssa got in her chest when Emma smiled at her. 

_No._ she thought firmly, pushing that thought away and coming to a stop in front of her locker. She opened it distractedly and watched as a small green note fluttered down from where it was wedged between the door and the wall. She bent down to pick it up, the handwriting on the front making her heart skip a beat. She looked over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching, and opened it to read:

_‘Alyssa - You haven’t been answering my texts or calls so I went old-school. I think we need to talk. I will be in my car in the parking lot at 5:30 if you need a ride home. I miss you. -Emma.’_

_I miss you,_ she thought.

Alyssa sighed, her heart constricting uncomfortably. She owed it to Emma to talk to her and explain what was going on. She deserved closure. But the idea of confronting Emma and explaining herself made her sick to her stomach.

She pushed the thought out of her mind as she went to practice. Performing the routines on auto-pilot, she was brought to the present by her coach yelling for her to focus up. As much as she tried, she couldn’t pull her thoughts away from what she was going to say to Emma.

Before she knew it, she was walking to the locker rooms completely lost in her own thoughts. She was snapped out of it as Kaylee tried to get her attention.

“Alyssa!? Hello, finally.” she said as Alyssa looked up. “Do you still need a ride home?”

Alyssa didn’t have time to think, and she shook her head. 

“No, my…my mom is gonna pick me up. But thanks.” she said and busied herself packing up her things until the locker room was empty. Checking her phone, she saw the time – 5:10 – and began to pace along the rows of benches, rehearsing what she was going to say to Emma.

That she was sorry, but she couldn’t stay her friend. Having to keep their friendship a secret from the student body and her mother was too much stress. Not to mention that Emma was making Alyssa question everything she thought she knew about herself. That having Emma for a friend was impossible when Alyssa wanted so much more, and yet she couldn’t have it. Because Alyssa Greene could _not_ be gay. She just couldn’t. And the more time she spent with Emma, the harder it was to convince herself of that simple fact.

No, she couldn’t let Emma know all that. It would make Emma feel uncomfortable to know Alyssa might have feelings for her. It would be better for Alyssa to lie to her – that way Emma wouldn’t know. And sure, Emma might hate her for just dropping their friendship, but at least Alyssa’s secret would be safe. Maybe Emma not speaking to Alyssa would help her get over these…feelings she had been having. With her mind made up, Alyssa checked the time. _5:25._

She made her way out to the parking lot, Emma’s truck easy to spot as it was the only car in the lot. Alyssa steeled herself and crossed to the car, her heart already speeding up at the prospect of seeing the other girl again. Emma hadn’t spotted her approaching just yet, her head bent down reading something from a slip of paper. 

She tapped on the window, and Emma’s head jerked up from the paper. Alyssa’s chest tightened at the sight of her shoulders hunched and the bags under her eyes. Alyssa probably didn’t look any better. Emma’s eyes widened in surprise as a bright smile spread over her features. It was true that Emma looked a mess, but Alyssa had never found Emma more beautiful. _You’re never going to see that smile again,_ she reminded herself. She didn’t want to, but she was going to have to break her and Emma’s hearts to put an end to all of this.

Emma reached over to unlock the door, and Alyssa climbed in to the passenger seat. There were silence for a handful of beats, until they both broke the silence together.

“So you go-“ “It’s good to-“

They both stopped, and Alyssa let out a gentle laugh. Emma cracked a nervous smile in response. Silence again for a beat.

“Go ahead, Emma.” Alyssa said softly. She saw Emma’s lips tighten before she began to speak.

“I was just gonna say…you got my note. Which was…pointless. Of course you got it. I guess I just didn’t expect you to actually come.” Emma rambled, her hands wringing together on the steering wheel as she spoke. 

Alyssa felt a pang of guilt for the period of time she considered not going to meet Emma. The thought of Emma waiting in the parking lot for hours into the night made her so upset she forced herself to stop thinking about it.

“…and now, you’re here. Which is great. Thank you. For meeting me.” Emma finished, trailing off. To think that Emma was the one who said they needed to talk, and now to be in front of her and unable to think of anything. Alyssa pulled her face into a shadow of a smile, trying her hardest to keep herself together in the face of what she was going to do.

“You’re welcome. Your note said we needed to talk…would you mind if I went first?” Alyssa said, drawing confidence from the fact that the sooner she got this over with, the sooner she could work on fighting the guilt she was going to feel afterwards. She could not hear Emma’s side of this conversation, because if she did she would not go through with her plan. 

Emma’s eyebrows raised in surprise but nodded, waiting to hear what Alyssa had to say.

“I would like to apologize for what happened at your house weeks back.” she began, her heart racing as she remembered the magnetic pull she experienced with the other girl. “It was completely inappropriate.” Emma’s mouth opened at this, but Alyssa was refusing to hear the other girl out. She wasn’t sure if her heart could take it. She stared straight ahead at the empty parking lot, steadfastly not looking at the other girl. 

“Please, Emma. Let me finish. I have enjoyed being your friend for the past months. But I…can’t be your friend anymore. I think it would be better if we went our separate ways.” Alyssa felt the words being torn out of her throat, blinking back tears as she ignored the hurt that played openly on Emma’s face.

“I’m sorry.” she choked out, not bothering to wipe away the tears she had failed to hold back. Her feeble apology seemed to hang in the air for hours before she broke the silence with a half-hearted sniffle.

She finally glanced over at Emma, her heart shattering at the look of utter defeat in Emma’s features. Emma wasn’t looking at her, instead she was looking at the piece of paper she was reading earlier. Alyssa saw it was a letter, at least two pages long, and to her surprise it was addressed to her.  
Emma glanced up from the letter, taking in the teary-eyed girl across the cab. 

“When you left my house that day, I thought about our conversation a lot.” Emma began, not touching on the words Alyssa had said. “I thought about the questions you asked me, and how scared you were of my answers. And it reminded me of someone.”

Alyssa held her breath, finding herself unable to tear her eyes away from the surrendered and beautiful girl across from her.

“You reminded me of _me_. And then when I thought about what else nearly happened that day, I understood why.” Emma said, her voice disjointed and somewhat emotionless.

Looking into Emma’s eyes, Alyssa felt like her soul was being stripped from inside her armor and being laid bare in front of Emma. It was new and it was terrifying and Alyssa should have been afraid, but she couldn’t be afraid of Emma. 

“I know what it’s like. I’ve been there. And I know why you just said all of those things you didn’t mean.” Alyssa’s mouth opened in protest, but Emma pushed on.

“Because you want to hide from this. You want to pack it into a shoebox and leave it there. You want to ignore it until it goes away. And I understand why – hell, after what happened to me, I definitely understand.” Emma said, breaking into a humorless smile. Alyssa had no defense or protest against Emma’s words; she sat and let the other girl’s words wash over her.

“And I’m still there, too, sometimes. Sometimes I want to pack all of it up and go back. Back to living with my parents and having friends and not being myself. But other times, I know that I can never go through with that and be happy. And recently, all of those times have been times I’ve spent with you.”

Alyssa felt like the air in the cab had gone thin, and she couldn’t find enough oxygen to fill her lungs. The implications of what Emma was getting at was making her dizzy. She wiped at her tears, the feeling of their tracks drying on her cheeks making her restless. 

“If you want to go through with what you just told me, go ahead. I am not going to make your choices for you.” Emma said softly, her eyes both entreating and detached. “You can walk away from this truck and I won’t follow you. You can leave all of this behind. But that’s not going to stop me from knowing you are the best thing that has happened to me.”

Emma’s honestly struck Alyssa’s heart like a perfect chord, her whole body aching to stay in this car where it was just the two of them. Part of her was screaming that Emma was giving her an out, but the other parts were convinced she didn’t want one. She felt tears welling in her eyes once more, the fear of the unknown future felt hot and heavy at the base of her throat. 

“Emma, I-“ she choked off, as she tears ran rampant and her body shook with sobs. She held her arms out to the other girl, asking for forgiveness, asking for a place to call home.

Emma could only oblige.

Alyssa distantly heard as Emma slid across the bench, focusing only on the warmth of her embrace as she was welcomed into her arms. She cried for her cruel words and the fact that she almost meant them. She cried for the only future she had ever known that she was quickly losing sight of. She cried for both of them, alone in this crazy, suffocating town. She cried because they were alone, but they were alone together.

It could have been hours or minutes before Alyssa wiped away the last of her tears, her emotional turmoil reduced but not erased. Emma loosened her grip but didn’t slide away, and Alyssa looked at the other girl through her red, puffy eyes. 

“Emma, I…I don’t know what to say.” she said honestly, her voice hoarse from crying. Alyssa’s thoughts were whirling around her brain but her mouth couldn’t find a way to make them heard. 

Emma looked at her for a long time, before reaching her hand up to wipe at a stray tear hanging just below Alyssa’s eyelashes. Alyssa had to stop herself from leaning into the touch, and it felt like centuries passed as Emma’s thumb brushed lightly along her cheek. Her hand remained there for a heartbeat too long, and Alyssa missed the touch as Emma moved her hand back to her lap.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Emma said as comfort, her eyes holding no judgement or anger. As Alyssa looked into her eyes, she felt all the emotions she had been running from burst forward from her chest. 

Without thinking too much or too long, Alyssa reached up to her face, closed her eyes, and brought her lips to Emma’s. Emma only hesitated for a moment before reciprocating enthusiastically, her arms embracing the other girl.

It wasn’t perfect by any means. Alyssa may have been a little too forceful leaning in, and Emma could taste Alyssa’s tears on her lips. It took a few seconds to find a rhythm; the push and pull that both of them had been craving. Alyssa felt faint as Emma took over all of her senses. The feeling of Emma’s body so close to her and the smell of her all around Alyssa made her head spin. As dizzy as the other girl made her feel, Alyssa found her jumbled thoughts cleared. _This is what is right._ she thought. _She is what is right._

They both pulled away when they needed to breathe, and Alyssa opened her eyes to meet Emma’s. Emma was flushed and her hair was sort of all over the place, and Alyssa thought she was beautiful. As always. She smiled, a real smile, the first one she had on her face for weeks. Emma returned it in kind. Alyssa’s feelings bubbled furiously in her chest, and she said the first thing that came to mind.

“That was even better than I dreamed.” she breathed, her brain turning to mush as the only thought remaining was _I want to kiss Emma again._ Emma registered what she said, and subsequently turned a darker shade of pink, spreading all the way to her ears. 

“Better than you, uh, _dreamed_?” she asked uncertainly, her kiss-addled brain wanting to make sure she had heard Alyssa correctly. Alyssa blushed at that, her skin feeling hot and prickly, but it wasn’t a sensation she hated.

“I, uh…” she sputtered, her blush deepening as Emma let out a laugh. 

“You dreaming about me a lot, ‘Lyssa?” Emma asked teasingly, leaning closer into Alyssa’s personal space. Having Emma closer to her made her stomach swoop, and the nickname at the end making Alyssa’s heart skip a beat. _God, the effect she has on me._ she thought. She rolled her eyes, breaking into a laugh herself.

“Shut up.” she said, reaching for Emma again. They were both smiling as they kissed for the second time, and they had to pull away shortly after because they couldn’t stop from grinning.

Alyssa was gazing at the girl ahead of her and glanced at the clock on reflex. 6:05! 

“Crap!” she said, and Emma whipped her head around, expecting to find the entire town recording the two of them on their smartphones.

“What?” Emma questioned, relieved to see no one was in the parking lot still.

“I told my mom I’d be home by 6. Oh my gosh, she’s going to kill me!” she said, and her eyes widened as she processed yet another realization. “Oh my GOD. My mother.” Alyssa started panicking, her heart racing at the thought of her mother discovering that she had just _kissed_ Emma Nolan _twice_ , and on top of that she was going to be late, and what if the whole school found o-

“Alyssa.” Emma said gently, and Alyssa realized the other girl had been saying her name. “Hey, hey. Look at me,” she said, lacing her hand through Alyssa’s own shaking one. Alyssa lifted her head and met Emma’s gaze, and found herself grounded once more. “It’ll be okay. We’re in this together.” she said, giving Alyssa’s hand a squeeze.

And although it didn’t quell all of her fears, Alyssa knew everything was going to be alright as long as she had Emma Nolan’s hand in hers.


End file.
